Shellbel (shellbel) wrote,

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I just wanna SCREAM!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to do!? I don't get guys at all, or at least the ones I get together with. I need a guy that is close to me, I need the cuddling, the hand holding, the going out on dates (I hear ya Val on that one!!)! I always tried to trick myself to think that I don't need that, dats why I've (for the past 3 years) always had long distance relationships... trying to defy the odds and have it work. I always thought that if I had a boyfriend here I would get sick of them! Now I'm not so sure I've chosen the right path ya know?!!? I don't even know why guys come down my path?! Why down my path and not someone better like Val!?!?

Right now with Ryan I'm more confused than ever! I want it to work more than anything... but he never calls and when I call him he doesn't talk!!!!!!!, he doesn't know anything about me, nor I him, he doesn't even make an effort to come see me, we don't see eachother at all, well we've seen eachother 2 times in 5 months (most people would call that a fling or anything else, but not a relaionship)! I want there to be effort, no I NEED there to be effort from him! To make a relationship work, we both need to work at it... not just me and it feels like it is only me, and I can't take it! But i will still go along with it hoping it will change, praying it will! Even though I know it wouldn't, but maybe it will if I go to Fanshawe next year (fingers crossed)! But with Ryan it's also comfortable, relaxing and enjoyable for the most part knowing that we love eachother! I mean I've known him for 10 years... it just feels so natural when I'm with him! But I don't know!! I love him with all my heart and that will never since there's love it shall be fine, we shall be fine! Love concours all right!?!? (and gurls...he's getting a tounge ring!!!)

Well sorry for complaining guys, but I love you all so much that I know you know this was on my mind and I complain about it all the time... but now I'm actually coming to terms and realizing it, yet you know me... I wouldn't speek up and do a damn thing!

Well anyways I LOVE YOU GUYS and you are my best friends in the whole world and I shall never leave you, shaft you, or call you shallow, and we shall always talk about boys that are ours or not! We can talk about anything and not be opinnonative, but just be there. I love you all the way you are and I'm glad you have let me into your lives... I just wish I could be there for you more, help you out more in your lives, make your lives what you always dreamed they could be! You guys are the best in the whole world and nothing can ever damage what we have, and you three shall be at my wedding and I hopefully at yours, even if I have to push my way through security!! I can see myself growing old with you guys, and nothing has ever made me happier than that image, EVER! You all mean so much to me, and I wouldn't exchange that for anything, ever! Even a great guy!
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